Being honest and real for someone who needs to hear it...

It is very hard to write and put such personal experiences in to words so that someone else can relate and find healing and peace as they say, "I've been there too", or "I am there right now." We all go through refining stages and experiences in our human and personal journeys. 2017 has given me "much refining." I have felt broken into pieces and pieced back together slowly; something like a shattering bowl that has hit the ground, but has also been carefully picked up by the One who knows how to heal an aching soul. I believe in God and I believe in my Savior. I believe He knows and loves me in a personal way. I believe He knows how to help me. The hard part is recognizing His helping hand each day of our lives.

I started 2017 off by welcoming Neal to the world. His birth was amazing, beautiful, and happened within 3 hours of getting to the birth center. Six weeks after his birth in Arizona, I came to Utah to support my sister for her new marriage. I didn't anticipate staying here, and if I could go back and change the way we did things, I would in a heart beat! Our intention was to buy a house. I was feeling the need to get more settled. I needed it emotionally. I was at the end of adventuring and I knew that it would be the best decision for feeling more stable, and providing that stability for our children. I stayed in Utah to search for a house while Lee went back to finish up things in Arizona, wrap up work there, and pack and move our things to Utah. I would never recommend looking for a house as a new mom who just had a baby, without your husband. It was very stressful. The market didn't help much either. We could not go above our budget, and a lot of offers were naturally soaring above our budget.

I appreciate my brother-in-law who helped me through the process as our realtor even though it didn't amount to anything for him. I am sure that I was not easy to work with, I was simply a wreck... and then some! Looking back, I should have put it all to rest and gone back to our home so that our transition could have been more carefully orchestrated and re-thought out.  I was toting my new baby around and leaving Tess behind with grandmas and grandpas as I desperately tried to find the right place. But it was too hard to meet each other's expectations when Lee wasn't also here to feel it out and know if a house was right or wrong for us.

We opted to rent because we needed a "reset" button. Renting ended up being okay, but it was still a time of great stress. I then accepted a calling to be the YW President. It was a beautiful experience and I love the girls I got to know. They are great people who are going to do well in life. :) During this time, my adding stresses took their toll and postpartum depression began to set in. For me, my experience with postpartum has always had a later on set. I have yet to face  really bad early "baby blues." Yes, I have absolutely been sleep deprived and exhausted, but not really down and depressed with a brand new baby. But I started showing clear signs of feeling down and depressed about the time Neal turned 9 months old. I noticed in my lack of desire to interact with him and with my three year old. I noticed in my internal dialogue... lots of hopeless feelings and expressions. Usually family time is uplifting. I was experiencing the opposite (to no one's fault... not even my own).  It reached its all time peak when Neal decided to wean in a day. My hormones turned so wonky and I have really struggled since.

We did find a home that felt right. The hard part is when people tell you, "Oh, the stability will help you." The stability has helped me know that we have a home for our family. But it has still be so difficult to understand and admit that the way I am perceiving people and situations around me is skewed to my depressed/anxious self.

I have cried because I just feel so sad. alone. helpless. foggy-brained. I have cried because I desperately want to feel better. I have cried because my anxiety has been so high over such little things. I have cried after an exercise class with wonderful ladies because I felt to overwhelmed to even pretend that I was feeling social and happy.

Postpartum is HARD. It is REAL. But it isn't something to be ashamed of. I know that being patient with this experience and with myself is absolutely a must right now. I know that turning off all negative talk is important. It is at an all time high right now.

It is important not to care if someone is sleep training while you are merely surviving. It is important to know that your child will be okay if you have to use a show of Barbie to distract while you reset and regroup, or do something for yourself.

So, what is my point in putting this in to words? My point is to tell my friends that if they feel this, they aren't alone. I so appreciated another friend who opened up to me about her own journey with this. My point isn't to tell you what will "fix" you. Yes, I have done many things and utilized resources to help me. I can share that if you need it. But I just want my friends to know that it is okay to be open. real. honest. It can save another person who needs to know they aren't struggling alone.

I know that women are not the only people experiencing mental illness. This world has so much information constantly causing fear, confusion, and anxiety.

I just want to dedicate this post to all of my friends and family who are brave and fight their battles, too. I know you are there and I know I am not alone. The feelings are real, but the reality is that I am NOT alone.

Although these experiences have been challenging, they are also shaping me to be a much more loving, compassionate, and giving person. For that I can be grateful. :)