#ThisisHowweGrow

Hi friends,

It has been a while since I have written, and I am sad about it. I am sad because I know I have a lot to share and express, and I have the desire, but I have been too caught up in myself to take the time to do it. I have the intention to be consistent in my writing, but sometimes I like the inspiration. Not today. If this is nothing more than a therapeutic exercise for me, it will be of worth. Hopefully my words can touch and reach someone else today. I love the words, "I admit..." They are scary words because it takes a lot of inner confidence to admit to a problem, a struggle, a weakness. No one WANTS to be weak. Well, I admit that yesterday was one of those days that I hated every interaction with family and friends. I was DONE in every sense of that word. I was angry with other people and their actions and words. I was sick of feeling unwanted, unappreciated. I was being critical, and it was a reflection of my own tiredness! It was such a contrast to the good days that I knew I could do nothing more than make it to dinner time and then run for refuge. I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed in there until I was ready to come out. But, I didn't go to hide. I went to heal. I needed a purely quiet and still place where I could center myself.

It is at the breaking points where we grow. I have recently been reminded of this through an amazing book. I am so grateful I came across this person and this book. It has truly changed my life. The book is entitled 'This is How we Grow.' It is a memoir written by Christina Hibbert, a psychologist and mother who advocates for womens' mental health (as well as men's mental health). I have never read a book that was so honest and authentic. I loved Christina for being so open and honest about her struggles and growth. I laughed and cried. Parts of it seemed so depressing, I wasn't sure if I could keep reading. But then I reminded myself that she was being completely real. I appreciate her so much for her gift to others. I hope to be like her and offer the same kinds of gifts for people who need healing. We all need healing along our journeys. We all need listening ears, a friend, a hug, encouraging words, and love. We all feel misunderstood at times. The part of her book where I lost all ability to hold back tears was when she expressed that she was SO tired of her close family saying that all "was fine" when she knew that things were not fine. I could relate to her raw feelings, and the tear dam burst for me. No, things are not always fine, and it takes strength to admit it.

I was so inspired by her story. I felt the nudge to reach out to her to see if she could come to Utah to speak with my youth group. Surprisingly, she said she could! I am so happy that the youth in my area and church group will be able to have her come and speak with them. As a side note, I met Christi when I attended her adult institute Book of Mormon class last year. I felt uplifted each time I left her class, and I know that it was the Spirit that made me feel so uplifted and strengthened. She is a gifted speaker and teacher, but it was the Spirit that taught and instructed me in her class.

I love her book and highly recommend it (and, no, I was not asked to give a review of her book. I am sharing it because it helped me so much).

I have felt stomped in the mud, beat down to the ground, and crushed recently. Change is hard for me. I have done a lot of changing of my environment in the past five years, ever since marriage. My life expectations of this stage were not met. I thought that Lee and I would get him out of graduate school and we'd be able to settle in our first home right away. That hasn't been the case; at times I have been angry with God. How could I be so flexible, exercise as much self sufficiency as I thought you'd require, live so cheap (no tv, no new car, no new phone,...), and then not receive the 1 thing I asked for?! I was angry. I have had to remind myself that I am in the wrong. I have been truly blessed. I have all that I need (even want), and more. I just have to take the time to step back, really see, and recognize it. Yes, I have desires for more. But God has not done anything wrong in life. He never has, and He never will. I am the one that needs to grow. As Christi said, "When life throws you in the mud, plant yourself and grow." I am just beginning to learn what this means.

Recently, I have been busy learning how to be a new YW President. It has been one aspect of my life that has required growth. But I know that no matter what we are (by title), we all have very personal inner things that require a lot of growing. It is up to us if we want to plant ourselves and allow the growth or resist, resist, resist. I am learning that it is time I stop resisting, and time I start allowing the growth.