Life is Change...

I have not been emotionally able to take a pen to paper in a while. I have just been processing a lot mentally and emotionally. Yesterday in church, one of my ward members talked about how the process of writing is a powerful and healing process for him. It reminded me of how much I can feel, heal, and learn as I write. It is indeed therapeutic for me. Last week, I listened to a "Motherhood" podcast (Dr. Christina Hibbert) about the seasons of change. So many words that she said hit the core of my soul. It was as if she was describing my current experiences to me. I loved a quote that she shared; "Life IS change, growth is optional. Choose wisely." She also talked about how the seasons of nature teach us about seasons of life. Fall is the season that she describes as the season of change. The leaves change colors and begin to fall from the trees. Things rapidly begin changing in the fall, in preparation for winter. Winter can represent dark times in our lives, or times that we need rest and rebuilding. Am I willing to get help during dark periods? Am I willing to go through them to learn what I am needing to learn from the experience?

Even though spring has come in Utah, I am still in a 'winter period' of my life. A lot of disappointment and sadness has been in my life as I have learned of my health challenges. I was diagnosed with hashimotos (an autoimmune disease where your immune system attacks the thyroid gland's cells). It was a relief to be diagnosed only because I knew there was something contributing to my extreme fatigue. I literally fell on the couch each day around lunch and it took three hours to get up and feel enough steam to keep going. I have never felt that way before this time in my life. It gives me so much more compassion for those who are going through sickness and health challenges that limit their energies and capacities to complete the daily things they desire to do. I have a wonderful nurse who is helping me in some key areas to heal my thyroid and get to a better place.

I started asking why this has happened, or what I did to cause my own problem. That is a dangerous slippery slope to get on. As if I have all of the control of everything that ever happens in life. I was thinking that I cause everything that happens in my life. False thinking on my part. This has been a lesson in humility and true dependence on God. Christina mentions that it is better to ask "How", not "why." How will I move forward? How can I improve my thyroid health? She also talks about the acronym FEEL, which stands for freely experiencing emotions with love. I love that! Loving is powerful. Love is a driving force to healing. This new diagnosis has also taught me how much my physical, spiritual, and emotional self are connected. I have struggled in all of the dimensions, not just the physical one. I believe that they are finely connected, and that work in one area benefits the others. I seek to heal myself in some of the private chambers of my soul so that I can feel more at peace inside. Then if I have this physical limitation to deal with for the long term, I will more positively be able to handle it and care for it with feelings of love and compassion, rather than negativity.

It could've been an even more startling diagnosis. I am grateful it wasn't. But nonetheless, it  has given me questions. Will I have the health and energy to have the family I pictured I would have? Will I be able to bear more children easily? Will I miscarry like some women do with this condition? I have been very sad as I have let my mind wander and wonder. Through the thoughts, I have been reminded of one thing. God has a plan for me, for Sarah. It is a plan He specifically will help me carry out. It will be complete and perfect for me, and it will not be measured according to the life's plan of anyone else. It takes confidence to see this because it is easy and earthly for me to think I need to be like "so and so." "If only I measured up to them, then I would be successful." It takes more faith and confidence to accept the will of the Lord and let Him take me along an unexpected, yet fulfilling and perfect, path for me. My faith is so small. I am barely learning how to let it take me where I need to go.

I have also been shown that I need to better cherish the two little souls God gave to me to raise. My friend told me that it helps her to point out the moments of joy that happen with her and her children. Since our conversation, I have seen those moments much more each day. Tess and Neal are so precious when they take their bath together, splash each other, and laugh. Their laughs are so real and refreshing. I wish I laughed as real as my baby boy laughs. The joy came as I watched how thrilled they were to sit in a car cart at the grocery store. Neal kicked his little legs and felt like a big boy as he got a better look at his surroundings facing out instead of in toward me. I love the smile and joy that I see when Tess swings, or when Neal goes down a slide. I love the moments with Tess before bed when we tell her the princess and prince story of Sarah and Lee. She loves when we talk about all of us living "happily ever after." I love watching Tess happily water plants outside. I love that Neal can gravitate to a ball no matter where he is. I love to watch him throw and play. His walk is so relaxed, not a care of the world. I love the moments when the spirit teaches me how to teach my children. I bore my testimony of the Gospel to Tess about prayer and the spirit was so tangible in our home. I love when she prays and bears her own testimony. These truly have been moments of joy.

I desire to latch on to this and not the what if's. Although it has been a wintry time, I am so grateful that just as fast as things can become difficult and daunting, they can improve and change for the better.   I am beyond blessed to be where I am as a mother to two little precious people. I want to grow and become more. But I cannot compel change. I can desire growth and seek change. But ultimately, I have to learn to let it come. In the meantime, I choose to see the joy each day. Life has its winters, but the wheel turns, and the springs and summers are that much more sweet when they arrive. I am grateful I can see the wheel turning for good in my life.